


Deep Space Dwarf

by thewronglong



Category: Red Dwarf, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crossover, Fluff and Crack, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-10-27 08:49:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20757638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewronglong/pseuds/thewronglong
Summary: When will the crew of the Red Dwarf learn to stay away from swirly things in space?





	1. The Lister

“I told you not to go flying into that swirly thing.” Cat griped at Lister. “How come every time there's a swirly thing we've got to go flying in there to check it out? You monkeys and your curiosity. You ever hear that curiosity killed the mo…. Hey, are you with me over there?” 

“What's going on,” Rimmer asked, entering the cramped cockpit. He looked out of the view port and grimaced. “Dammit, I said no more swirly things! I thought we all agreed after last Thursday's incident. I have no desire to meet Hitler for a third, or would it be the fourth… no wait, Lister, do androids count?”

“He can't hear you, dummy, he'd in La La land”. Cat swirled a finger by his ear.

Lister sat there, eyes glazed, drool starting to run out of the corner of his mouth.

Dave Lister was surrounded by white light, and for a moment he wondered if he were dead. He called out to his crew mates but there was no answer, only emptiness and white. Just when he was deciding that panic might be his best and only options the whiteness deepened into shadows and he found himself back on Red Dwarf in his old quarters. Except it wasn't his quarters, it was too bright, vibrant, and it all seemed a bit out of focus. He turned to leave the room and was nose to nose with another face.

“Peterson?” Lister asked, amazed.

“You are human.” 

“Last time I checked” this was definitely not his old drinking buddy. 

Another joined them, seemingly out of nowhere. It was definitely not Kochanski. “He is different, he is not linear”

A third, who appears as Cat. “He is not like the Sisko, yet he is human.”

“What is this human?” Not Peterson circled around him.

“Uh.. me name's Lister, what, or who are you?”

His question was ignored by the not-Cat. “The Lister is not linear…. The Lister is… circular.”

“I've put on a few pounds maybe, but wouldn't say I was circular, maybe a bit-” 

“The Lister is alone” they spoke as if he weren't in the room.

“He is the last of his kind.”

“An interesting specimen.”

“We will study him.”

“We shall keep him nearby,” not Peterson turned Lister. “We cannot send you to your Earth, but we know of others like yourself. We shall send you to them.”

Before Lister could respond he felt his face being slapped by someone who definitely WAS Rimmer. “Wake up you sleepy goit, this is no time for a nap! We're being pulled through the Galaxy into who knows where." The hologram was shaking him now, on the verge of panic.

“Okay, okay, I'm awake, I'm awake.” 

They received a transmission almost as soon as the stars reappeared. "Deep Space Nine to unknown vessel, please identify."


	2. Examination

They came through the wormhole, but insist that they've never heard of the Gamma quadrant, or any other quadrant for that matter. They seemed very confused." Kira was annoyed at having to bother with the whole ordeal. 

"But they are human?" Asked Sisko, as he leaned back in his chair and toyed with his baseball. 

"That's… arguable. The scans say one of them is at least, although his sanity is questionable. He's claiming to have been in deep space alone for three million years."

"The report said there were others."

"Yes, according to their own accounts one is a holographic projection of a dead man, apparently with his own personal mobile projector. The one I spoke to claimed to be a mechanoid. Then there's… well, his scans didn't identify him as any known sentient lifeforms, but as a," she cleared her throat, "cat."

"They have a cat onboard, that's not odd. Many people keep cats."

"A humanoid cat." 

"A humanoid?"

"The story, from what I understand is that the human, David Lister, brought a cat aboard the mining ship Red Dwarf. It was an unsanctioned pet and therefore was punished by being put into stasis. He hid the animal, there was an accident that killed everyone but him and said cat, and over the course of three million years the cat's descendants evolved. I know, crazy story, but… I really hate to admit this, the scans back it all up."

"So where is this ship that apparently was big enough to house enough cats to evolve?"

"They said it was parked back where they came from."

"And where are they now?"

"Beamed directly into medical quarantine. Bashir is checking them over now."

"Well, I suppose I'd better go meet our guests, care to join me?" 

"Oh, I wouldn't miss it for the world."

Doctor Julian Bashir was at a loss. He'd been forced to accept that the man with the pointed canines and the dayglo green suit was, in fact, a cat. As interesting as he found what the mechanoid had called a felis sapiens, the human was downright intriguing. He'd gone as far as bypassing the medical tricorder and ordered an actual blood sample. It didn't make sense. He rubbed his temples.

"I was wondering," he asked Lister, "if you would mind submitting to a physical examination."

"I thought that's what the scanny thing was for," asked Cat.

"Well, yes, but I'm getting some rather odd readings here."

"Cheers," said Lister, hopping up on an exam table. "'s been a long time since I've seen an actual doctor. Kryten and the medibots usually do it."

"Medibots, huh? I'd like to see one of those. Alright, jacket off, shirt too, unless you'd feel more comfortable in a smock."

"Nah," Lister dropped his things in a pile next to the table and lay back.

"Uhh" 

"Oh yeah," Lister began undoing the buttons on his union suit.

"You have an awful lot of scarring here." Said the doctor while probing his belly.

"Yeah, had me appendix out a couple of times." 

"A couple of times? That's not possible."

"Tell that to me appendix. You'd think if it's gonna grow back it'd work better the second time around."

Julian didn't know how to answer that, so he just hummed and continued the examination. "What's this?" He asked after moving lower. "If I didn't know better I'd say that's.."

"From the C-section." Muttered Lister, looking for the first time bothered by the whole ordeal.  
Julian's head shot up, his eyebrows furrowed. He could tell already that the technology these people used was vastly different from their own, superior in some ways, inferior in others. There was nothing in his scans to suggest that this man was transexual, but he didn't want to make assumptions. Fortunately Lister answered the unspoken question. "Yes, I was born a guy, it's a long story."

"But you did carry a baby to term?"

"Twins, actually. They're with their dad now."

"Okay…. Well, you look pretty healthy, maybe a bit high in the cholesterol department, but I'll give you something for that. We should also address your teeth. You seem to be missing a couple and a few of the rest are causing me some concern. I can regenerate those and use a sealant to prevent further decay."

"Bitchin'" exclaimed Lister while doing up buttons. 

"Quite."


	3. Duct Tape and Hope

Miles had been asked to check over the strange bulbous ship that held the name Starbug. It was an appropriate name from the look of it. It seemed to run on some sort of hydrogen scoop. It was crude, but seemed to be able to function indefinitely. It didn't have warp. What it did have could make light speed, in theory, but from the look of the craft it wouldn't surprise him if it fell apart before they got a quarter of the way there. As frustrating as the scans were to read he met a new frustration when he and Rom tried to get into the craft. He almost fell off his ladder when the craft started emitting a very loud whooping sounds.

He had heard that the crew of was just a strange as the vessel itself, but he was surprised to say the least at who finally showed up to let him into the vessel and then off that blasted alarm. Rom had already fled, his ears unable to handle the onslaught.

"Oh! I am sorry sir, it totally slipped my mind that you would need the keys for repairs." Kryten apologized as he made his way across the hangar. Kryten held up a fob and there was a loud "blub bloop" sound replaced the alarm just before it stopped completely. "Can't be too careful," he said with a head tilt and smile.

Miles had met mechanical people before, hell, he even worked with an android for many years, but never like this. The technology of the clunky body before him didn't seem to reconcile with the friendly smile and slight nervousness he got from the being before him. Perhaps it was because of all the time he spent with Data and his stiff, but almost human appearance. "Thanks… uhh?"

"Kryten. If you'd like to follow me, I can give you the tour. Mister?"

"O'Brien, Miles. Yeah, sure, lead the way." He followed the mechanoid as he clamored up the ladder, each movement slightly awkward. 

"I must warn you, Mister O'Brien, sir, that the place may be a bit of a mess. Mister Lister and Mister Cat had a kebab eating contest last night and I think I got most of it, but Mister Lister tends to get sauce in the oddest of places. I did manage to get most of the wash, so the smell should be to a minimum."

"I'm sure it's fine." Miles felt like he was going to one of his mum's friend's houses. The one who always apologizes profusely about the state of her house then you get there and it's immaculate. Starbug, however, was not. It wasn't so much filthy as it was run down. As bad of shape the station was when he got his hands on it, aesthetically it was mostly fine. This craft, as many of his peers would put it, had seen some action. 

When they entered the craft mechanoid had to give the wall above the light switch a couple of good bangs before the light came on. Miles made his way through the cockpit, finding a box full of screw, grommets, and other bits along the way. He picked up a light bulb, half covered with red ink. He held it up, giving the mechanoid a questioning look. 

"Ahh, yes, that. Well you see we ran out of red alert bulbs so Mister Rimmer decided go make one, then we ran out of red felt tip pens."

"Ahh…" 

"Our biggest problem at the moment is the left thruster seems to be going out. Spare parts are at a minimum, and we are dangerously low on duct tape."

Miles wondered how much of this vessel was being held together with the stuff, but didn't say anything aloud. "I'll get Rom on it right away, he seems to have a knack with…. Alternative… technology." 

"Thank you very much, I'm afraid I don't have much to pay you with, besides my services. If we were with our ship we'd have plenty to trade, but as it were we were on our way to a derelict in order to do some salvaging. I hope you understand."

"You don't have to pay me, it's what we're here for. The human in your group should be able to get a stipend from the Federation, if approved. You fellas should be fine, as long as you stay out of Quark's.


	4. On Hold

"You must either be incredibly brave or incredibly stupid," Odo was saying as he paced back and forth in front of the holding cell.

"How was I to know that he'd take such an offence to an offhand remark." Grumbled Rimmer.

"You told the biggest guy in the bar that his head looked like the vulva of a baboon with an unfortunate skin condition!" Said Lister from behind the bandanna he was holding in front of his bleeding mouth.

The occupants of the opposite cell roared angrily at the repeat of the insult.

"Quiet!" The changeling didn't quite yell but the effect was immediate. He turned back to the dwarfers, "stupid it is then."

"Hey!" Protested Cat, "I didn't do nothing, that guy tore my suit."

"And tried to stab me!" Added the hologram.

"You don't seem to be injured, and I found you hiding under a dabo table." Said Odo.

"It takes a lot more than some silly mall ninja knife to hurt me."

Odo had heard first-hand from Quark that the stranger had taken a d'k tahg to the ribs and it just bounced right off. "It seems to me that you should have considered your friends ability to bleed, whether you can do or not."

"Ya think?" Uttered Lister, pulling an apologetic look from Rimmer.

"You are not like your friends."

"I'll take that as a compliment." Said Rimmer, "don't you people have holograms?"

"I've never seen a hologram able to leave areas that aren't equipped with projectors."

"Yes, well, I go where I like."

"Says the man in a holding cell."

Rimmer smirked and his tunic began to change from blue to red. He thought about going through the front of the cell, but the field that was being used instead of bars didn't seem like something he'd want to subject his bee to, so he turned to the right and stepped through the bulkhead to the empty holding cell next to theirs.

Odo did not look happy. The Klingons in the other cell looked to be different levels of stunned to scared.

The changeling melted and slid across the floor towards Rimmer. The hologram let out a squeak and lept back over to his original cell. Odo returned to his humanoid form. He had more questions, but Bashir showed up to fix up Lister.

The doctor looked both annoyed and concerned as he passed the dermal regenerator over Lister's wounds. "I'm hoping that this will be both the first and the last time that I have to do this. I'd hate to think that as soon as you get to see other humans again that you find yourself imprisoned away from them." 

"Not twice in one lifetime, at least." Answered the scouser. 

Once again the doctor was full of new questions for this strange man, but pushed them aside for now, "Your mechanoid friend will be by shortly. He's making an attempt now to see Captain Sisko about your little… scuffle… here. If I were you, I'd be thinking of a way to apologise to your Klingon friends. You'll be doing some proper grovelling. You can't insult a Klingon warrior and not expect retaliation. Quark is also demanding payment for your tab. I don't even want to estimate what he's going to charge you for that table you broke."

"I didn't break it, that big alien bloke over there did, just so 'appened to do it with my body."

"Yes, but our friend Quark knows better than to try to get money out of them."

"Well, unless he takes pocket lint or some slightly singed dollar-pound notes, I don't see him being paid. I thought you lot did away with money."

"Where did you hear that?" 

"Star Trek, mate. Took me a while to figure it out, never watched this series."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I decided that yes, Lister is familiar with Star Trek, in passing at least. We know it's canon that Trek exists in Red Dwarf universe. Thought I'd have some fun with that.

**Author's Note:**

> I have lots of ideas for this if it's successful.
> 
> Tagged Ds9 characters will appear later. Also I tagged Lister/Rimmer and Garak/Bashir because they'll always be paired in my head.
> 
> Comments welcome.
> 
> Love to you all


End file.
